Can
the Difference in Race Get in the Way of a Relationship?
I’ve
never really given this question much thought until
I met Hans.
I
was a sophomore when I first saw him, walking along
the Gokongwei corridors of La Salle. “Cute yung
froshie na yon ah!” I thought.
After
a few weeks, I was shocked to discover that he was
the one who’s chatting with me in one of our
“VAX” lab. He introduced himself online
because he admitted he is the “shy” type.
As we chatted along, I kinda learned that his family
is a conservative Chinese type. I can’t remember
if he asked me if I’m Chinese. As he started
to court me, I was always discussing the “Chinese”
issue with my friend. Why? Because I knew Filipino-Chinese
relationships often do not last…
Did
you know?
The
Ethnic Chinese
(people with some measurable degree of Chinese
parentage) number from 750,000 to one million,
or roughly between 1.2% and 1.5% of the
Philippine population. Of this number, 90%
are native-born and belong to either the
second, third, or fourth generation.
I know my family is not open to Filipino-Chinese relationships.
Though I would like to respect that, I don’t want to
close my doors on races other than mine. I didn’t really
believe that similarity in race determines a relationship’s
success. Never has this belief more strengthened until I
met Mich.
She
is different from all the girls I’ve met. Independent.
Very open-minded. Looking back, funny how our differences
made our relationship more meaningful. I learn new things
from her everyday.
Hans
is so humble, simple, and he’s very expressive of his
feelings. He’s not pa-macho unlike other guys
who don’t want to show their sensitive side.
After
2 months of courtship, I accepted him and tried to put all
my
Mich
You've
already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall
head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you
for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
-- Head Over Feet
By Alanis Morissette
doubts,
mixed emotions and “Chinese” issues behind. I wrote
a letter containing Alanis’ song (Head Over Feet) that
described my feelings for him.
It was the 15th of April, just when I was about to leave for
Australia to have a vacation with my family. I was so happy
that night that I even told myself, "pwede na ako
tumalon sa riles ng LRT" ‘coz I rode the LRT
on my way home after she said 'yes'.
My
mom warned me of Chinese traditions and customs like “Mahigpit
sila sa money and they don’t share their salary with
their wives.”
After 6
months of relationship, I learned from his friends that his
parents do not approve of our relationship and he had been
fighting for me. “Bilib kami kay Hans kasi ipinaglaban
ka nya sa parents niya”, they told me. I was shocked
because Hans never told me about it. Of course I never told
my parents about it, too.
After that incident, I was always conscious about our time
being together. He will get mad if I tell him, "Uwi
ka na, late na...".
Your
love is thick
and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver
than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
-- Head Over Feet
By Alanis Morissette
My
dad threatened to evict me from the house. I kept it a secret
from Mich because I don’t want her to be affected. I
said to my cousins, “since I got myself into this, ipaglalaban
ko to!”
I
was already planning to move out of the house, find ways to
pay my tuition and expenses… luckily, it didn't come
to that.
After
a few more years, his parents finally accepted our relationship.
He can bring me to his house every Sunday, we can go out on
dates in the evening, and he can bring me on their family
gatherings. It is sometimes difficult to mingle with them,
though, because the elders cannot speak fluent Tagalog.
I’m
very familiar with the Filipino culture since I was born here
in the Philippines I did not really had any major adjustments
except maybe ‘pagmamano sa parents.’ It was
Mich who found it a little difficult to learn and adjust to
our practices.
Mich
and Hans in Caylabne Resort, March 2002
Did
you know?
Red
is the symbol of happiness and ultimate joy, thus,
all Chinese weddings include the color red.
It
was my first time to eat real Chinese food during one of their
family gatherings. Some Chinese foods look and taste weird.
I
have to wear a red blouse/shirt when they have birthday parties.
It’s not proper to wear pure white or pure black shirt
during these parties and whenever I’m at their house.
I
have to learn to speak or at least understand some basic Fukien
so that his parents will not have a hard time speaking to
me.
During
special occasions, I always have a hard time finding birthday
gifts to his parents. I learned that there are a lot of “bawal”
to give, like plants, pets, or any living thing, because it
may ‘cause’ misunderstanding between the giver and
the recipient. It’s also bad luck to give white flowers,
as they are only given to the dead.
Did
you know?
In
contrast to the Western wedding, Chinese consider
white flowers as
symbol of death and are used only for funerals.
Would
you believe we lasted 6 solid years before getting married?
And it’s funny that the idea didn’t come first from
us. It came from my mom.
Hans
surprised me with an engagement ring. It happened when we
were in Baguio on a Halloween eve. He put a blindfold on me
and when we kissed, he put the ring in my lips…I was
laughing with excitement.
There
were so many people asking me if I’m ready to live with
Hans and his family. I just consoled myself that I love Hans
and he loves me, and we can make it together.
Engagement,
June 14, 2002
With
or without my parents’ blessings, I have no hesitations
in wanting to marry her. I am sure, then, now and tomorrow,
she is the only one for me…
Mich
and Hans Wedding
December 1, 2002
Can
the difference in race get in the way of a relationship?
I’ve
never really given this question much thought until I met
Hans.
But
after 6 years of relationship, 1 and a half years of wonderful
marriage, and 1 adorable baby boy, I know with a certainty
the answer is NO.
